Hello, children. It’s your wicked step mother Charlie, and it’s time for another reality show bitchfest! So, sit back like Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her and eat that frosting right outta the can with your fingers. No. Really. I mean it. Do it. I want you to be comfortable. Can I get you anything before we start? A blanket? A line of blow? Just kidding (not really). Off we go, kids!
This week, I think I figured out what is missing from this season, a VILLAIN. Brig’s BS is fab, Adee’s perpetual outrage is a laugh, and Brian’s empty-headed musings are a must, but where, oh where, lays the EVIL, I ask you? Jon tries to be a bitch, but even he’s not invested in his own limp insults. I still love my SG, but there is a definitely not enough discord. Never underestimate the power and entertainment value of stinging verbal salvos and bitter contestant-on-contestant violence.
CAMILA. She was better this week. I giggled when she told Adee to, “slow down his horses,” and then schooled him on how models and hairstylists often don’t get to pick the photos during an editorial shoot. She showed authority and credibility. The tête-à-tête she engaged Jonathan in pertaining to Jon being “very rough” with his model, I found quite cute as well. We just might make a host of you yet, mi amiga bonita!
JONATHAN. His critique of Adee and Faatemah made me recall the boisterous and dick-ish Jonathan of yore. This time, however, he at least had a point. He was right on with his comments about how the contestants performed on a photo set. Maybe he is a real hairstylist after all.
KIM VO. My favorite tranny didn’t really have any memorable quips this week. His single ham-fisted attempt was (to Brig): “Don’t put baby in the corner,” which didn’t come close to his usual oeuvre of painfully cheesy zingers. YAWN!
GUEST JUDGE KEN PAVES. I like Ken—he’s good people. It was hilarious to see him sitting on the same panel as Miss Vo. They reminded me of Amanda Lepore and Sophia Lamar perched up there. LOL!
THINGS I LOVED:
THE SHORT CUT CHALLENGE. Men with extensions—how divine! It was such mischievous pleasure to gawk at a room full of (presumably) hetero hombres as they were unceremoniusly emasculated on national television. Amy’s model anyone? LMAO! In a similar vein as the hairy chested bikini babes of episode one, no one could truly “win” this challenge—they all ended up looking ridiculous. NOW THAT’S SHEAR GENIUS.
MATTHEW AND JANINE. I was smitten with Janine when she called Matthew her “gusband” and compared the two of them to Karen and Jack. What was priceless, though, was Matthew’s sour expression in reaction to such a notion. Him, Jack? Never, darling. Never. Better still was Janine’s puss when Matthew proclaimed unequivocally that HE was the one in charge when the judges liked the results of their collaboration. I’m hoping they turn into frenemies, but I bet it won’t come to that.
BRIG—GO BITCH! You picked a fight, slapped some yellow extensions in yer hair, and ended up in the top two! Matthew and Janine did do a bang up job on their models, but you achieved virtually as good a result on, not one, but two models flying solo, and chewing up scenery to boot. You may go the distance after all, my precious little freak of nature.
THINGS I LOVED TO HATE!
ADEE. Poor thing. It’s such a shame that his most memorable moment on the show so far was when he puked in a bucket. All right. All right. It WAS fantastic that he shouted “Fuck that photo!” during judging. I have to admit it.
MATTHEW’S LARGESSE. It was classic when Matthew, after winning the short-cut challenge, said something like: “This look represents everything I stand for. It’s ‘true organic beauty.’” Didn’t you just put extensions in a man’s hair in an effort to give him a bigger and sexier look? Sooo organic, punkin! Another self indulgent Matthew-ism was: “I don’t toot my own horn but…” LOL! Eccentricities and illusions of grandeur aside, Matthew is obviously the most skilled and talented stylist here. Janine and Jon seem to be his only competition. When this much adulation from the judges is lavished so early, though, one should brace for them to pounce on even the tiniest mistake with unbridled fury. He and Janine will almost certainly make it to the end with Jon or possibly even (dare I say it) Brig talking the final slot in the top three.
Amy sucks and doesn’t cry nearly enough to be “the crier.” April has yet to interest me in the slightest, even her cockiness about being known at Conde Nast for doing men’s hair fabulously was a complete bore. Whatever. Brian’s goofy concentration on getting his models “into character” was lackluster TV as well. SNOOZE!
SOMETHING I HATED
They kicked off Faatemah?!! She was one of the only people giving good (and funny) face on the interviews. Why not lose dull-as-a-doorknob April or über-annoying Amy. I almost feel that they might bring her back for some crazy twist later. (à la Chris from Project Runway). I pray they do something that could amp this shit up a notch since there is no stimulating carnage to drool over.
That’s it, children. Run off to bed now. Put mummy’s chardonnay down first, okay? HAAAAIIRRR IIIISSS IMMPORRRTANT!