Did Anything Happen?Here we are, together again, like a dysfunctional family desperately in need of a reality show intervention. Let’s ignore that and wallow in our shared lust for trashy TV like Sid and Nancy sharing a needle. Or, like Mary Kate and Ashley sharing a toilet as they purge a pepperoni pizza. Or, like Hugh Grant and Eddie Murphy sharing the ahhhh-fections of a tranny hooker. Or... Oh, you get the idea.
This week, our carefully vetted (LOL!) pack of wild hair stars kicked off with a short-cut challenge involving an abstract (huh?) hairstyle using fresh flowers. The elimination challenge dealt with the task of revamping the intricate hairstyles of the bridesmaids of a traditional Indian wedding party mid-ceremony. ZZZZZZZ…. Oops. I fell asleep. Where were we?
THE JUDGES:
CAMILA: She looked great this week wearing a side swept wave complete with a flower. (You know I loved that, kids!) She then slicked her hair back in a large beautiful chignon decorated with an Indian wedding ornament. Stunning. She cried at the wedding reception. How darling.
JONATHAN. Oh my. Big J was “borderline pissed off” about Adee’s style. Okey dokey. Maybe he had gas cramps…
KIM VO. Not much to comment on. All Miss Vo had for us this week was more of those snapped PTA-woman smiles. They often remind me of Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” video. Can someone get Kim a valium, for Christ’s sake? We must calm that shit down. We must.
ORLANDO. Was he there? Another waste of the hair titan—such a shame.
HARRY JOSH. Harry is great on TV! I enjoyed his comments and think he would have made an engaging weekly judge.
TABATHA. I always love this Aussie bitch. It is such a treat to see people cower before her majesty in abject fear. Viva la diva!
THINGS I LOVED:
BRIAN. WTF! Instead of idiot, he may be an idiot savant. Interesting. He added an element of the unexpected to the otherwise dour hour. I doubt if he can keep it up though, his taste is sooo bad and he seems incapable of strategy. His clay flower twist was great and had a dynamic shape. He did have one fleeting chic moment here. He certainly called it when he said his elimination challenge model wanted to look like Kim Kardashian. Everyone in the room, save for the atrocious Amy, did a version of Kim on their ladies as well. Brian’s was the best Kim of the night. He will remain on SG for at least two more episodes with this double win, so one can expect that he will continue to further chip away at the dignity of our industry in those fourteen days.
ADEE. Thank god this wanker finally got the boot. He did manage to etch out an unforgettable portrait of himself as a complete moron and excruciating whiner though. I have never heard someone be so clueless about their profession whilst simultaneously bragging about how brilliant they are. He mentioned Beckham so many times that I wondered if the soccer star had his attorney’s draft a cease-and-desist order. My personal favorite was his constant way of blathering on about how his numerous assistants do virtually everything for him, as if this somehow explained away his utter ineptness at his craft. Adee on SG3 is a case of a macho hetero hairdresser at his egomaniacal and insecure worst. It’s as if styling and coloring are so beneath him and only ugly severe cuts deserve his golden hands. It was mean spirited fun to watch his puffed up cocky ass take hits week after week only to have him scamper away in defeat. Aww, Adee. It’s tough love, mate. Tough love. Maybe he went back to jolly old England and took a color class… Yeah. Prolly not. He is most likely driving some poor team of assistants to tears, as we speak, in hopes of somehow propping himself back up to his former pre-American TV glory. Now there’s a visual.
Normally, I also write about things I loved to hate, but this week’s show was so bland, I wanted to throw hot sauce all over it. I always enjoy a hair show—good, bad or heinous—but not even Tabatha and Brig’s showdown made me wanna slap my mama. Wouldn’t it be cool if April overdosed or Brig slapped Janine or Jon made Matthew cry? I’ll be here next week to talk serious shit even if they don’t
–XOXO. Farewell, my sweet little demons.
You can find Charlie at Click Salon in Denver and on his Web site
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